—The truth about Sheen
Charlie Sheen, also called The Warlock, is a known troll, crazy person and drug addict. Despite all this, he still has a porn star hanging on his cock at all times.ED had a kickass article on Don Carlos that was lost during the rebirth. But enough about irrelevant bullshit; this article is about the motherfucking Warlock himself, Charlie Sheen. As I type this, he is getting the shit trolled out of him on Comedy Central HA HA DISREGARD ALL OF THAT BULLSHIT! Charlie Sheen is the guy you wish you were. His Penis is 9 1/2 Inches flaccid.
History of Charlie Sheen
Carlos Irwin Estévez is the son of has-been actor, Martin Sheen. His Spic-Paddy upbringing would determine his lifelong destiny of hookers and booze. Charlie Sheen, who once lived in the shadows of his father, became so epic that his father started living in his shadow. Throughout his childhood (and whole life), Charlie had always been a troll, a loose cannon and always dreamed of being an actor. His fondest childhood memories included him putting laxatives in other children's food and drawing penises on church walls. One notable memory Charlie Sheen has mentioned was when he shoved a firecracker up a cat's ass which, at that moment, should have made him an automatic target for the Anonymous draft. Charlie's dream of success came true in the mid-80s, as he starred in some successful movies and gained infinite pussy. The 90s saw Charlie star in shitty movies. The party boy Charlie that we all know and love revealed himself in the early 90s, when Charlie had an argument with his then fiancee. The reason the two argued was because the bitch got out of line and neglected her responsibilities. Charlie slammed the pimp hand down at her and pwned her by shooting her in the arm. He was arrested, but the judge ruled in favor of Charlie for the fact that the cunt should have stayed in the kitchen where she belonged. His fiancee finally broke up with him because she was butthurt (metaphorically and literally). Years later she ended up marrying John Travolta.
The mid to late 90s saw more drama ensue as Charlie continuously fucked porn stars, married and snorted enough coke to cauterize his nostrils and require weekly blood transfusions. In his wake, Charlie Sheen left many bastard children. The early 2000s didn't see any difference with Charlie Sheen's career and he stared in Scary Movie 3 and 4, which were the most vile pieces of fucking shit ever to be shat out of the Hollywood producers' anuses. Charlie also married actress Denise Richards, who was fucking hawt but had a mouth wider than Goatse... literally. She later divorced him because she didn't approve of his lifestyle. Charlie went back to fucking multiple whores and starting drama everywhere he went. He married two more times, but no one cares because he continued to beat the shit out of them, as well as spending his money on hookers and blow. In later times, Charlie Sheen was given the part of Charlie Harper in a shitcom called Two And A Half Men. Charlie's costar, who played his on-screen brother, was Jon "Duckie" Cryer, the cockholded pussy from the 80s movie, Pretty In Pink, who fapped to the main character, but had to let her go off with a popular guy because the dude had a bigger dick than he did. The show was about Charlie, a rich children's song writer who fucked every women who he ever came across. Jon Cryer's character moves in along with his brat 13 year old to Charlies' house so they can mooch off of him and cock-block Charlie's efforts. The role made Charlie Sheen the highest paid actor on television and gave him the funds to practice his endeavors.
In 2010, in New York City's Trump-owned Plaza Hotel, during a coke fueled night of buttsecks, Charlie, while partying, went completely batshit insane at his hotel suite. The cops were called yet again and found a trashed hotel room and a naked Charlie Sheen with a powdered nose. During further searching of the hotel room, the popo found cumdumpster porn actress Capri Anderson locked in the bathroom, naked and crying. Charlie was placed in custody for what he did. The authorities asked Charlie about his nose being covered in powder and he responded by stating he ate a box of powdered donuts. Charlie was released with yet another slap on the wrist and given the Father of the Year award, since his children were in the next room overhearing the commotion. No one gave two shits about Capri Anderson's sob story because Charlie paid her to party with him, which also makes her a filthy prostitute. Funfact: he paid her $2 USD.
Two and a Half Men
Two and a Half Men is an unfunny shitcom starring Sheen and some other guy and created by Chuck Lorre. The show debuted in September 2003
and was cancelled almost immediately due to being complete bull FUCKING shit and is still running despite our beloved yet misguided hero, Charlie, being killed off. Two and a Half Men consists, almost entirely, of fat jokes directed at the little cunt Jake (played by certified Christfag Angus 'the fat one' Jones) and sexual innuendo from Sheen's character. As both Sheen and Jones have now left Two and a Half Men it is nearly entirely drained of content and the remaining 'jokes' are poorly written quips about the dubious sexuality of that other cocksucker I've forgotten the name of. Albert?
Charlie Sheen? In my internet?
On a crack fueled rage lasting until this day, in early 2011, our man Charlie went to the internet and proclaimed himself as the Warlock. He said "Fuck you!" to the producers and creators of Two And A Half Men and to CBS and he continued trolling everyone on the sitcom, but they couldn't fire him because without Charlie, the show would be driven straight into the ground. Charlie had his two super-hot girlfriends move in with him, which he dubbed "the Goddesses" so he could spend his days fucking them and talking about how he fucks them, making other men jealous. Charlie also did drugs and recorded himself on his webcam, along with making photoshops and lulzy videos trolling the executives. When his costars in the show disproved of his /b/tard-like faggotry, he counter-trolled and called Jon "Pussy" Cryer a troll, causing more mass butthurt as well as generating mass amounts of lulz among the tabloid fags. Jon Cryer became a pretty cool guy when he responded that he was indeed a troll. Despite his behavior, Charlie's videos were popular, and Charlie became a man to be loved by the public. Finally, the big wigs at CBS decided enough was enough, so they decided to slam the banhammer on Charlie Sheen. He was fired from the show and is now currently being replaced by Ashton Kutcher. On top of that, his house was raided by the pigs who pulled a George W. Bush, searching for drugs that were not present. In reality, they were butthurt that they made under $40,000 a year and had to go home to naggy, fat, unattractive wives, while Charlie rolled around in endless 20-year-old poon. When haters replied in disgust, Charlie simply replied "I have 2 girlfriends and a truck fuck you". To add insult to nothing, one of his goddesses got mad (because bitches get mad at everything) and moved out of his castle. Nothing happened because she was a nobody.
Lulzy quotes by Charlie Sheen
—The Warlock, describing his new drug.
—Sheen and his possible part-furfag ancestry
—Sheen, proving he's a time lord or something
—Charlie Sheen, FUCK YEAH
—CBS will never see the light of day again
—Sheen, forever winning
—Dissing the shit life you're always going to have
—It's all in the mind, y'know
Need to know
- Charlie Sheen believes the truth that Jews did WTC.
- He is bi-winning.
- He is a lead guitarist from Mars (possibly Deimos).
- He is better than you in every way.
- He is the world's greatest IRL troll.
- He is a drug that causes sudden explosion and weeping kids.
- He sleeps with porn stars while you fap to gay CP every day.
- Sheen is probably Zeus in his Earthly form, what with his badassness and Adonis DNA.
- You can't spell Adonis without AIDS.
- He can turn into a cigarette after shoving them into nearly every hole on his body.
- He buried Paul McCartney.
—What you should ask Charlie Sheen if you ever see him
Viral videos with Charlie Sheen
- The Execution of Private Slovik (1974) - Shitty made-for-TV movie which was also the first one Charlie Sheen was in. He was just some bratty kid.
- Apocalypse Now (1979) - Living in his father's shadow in this movie, Charlie boy was just an extra.
- The Boys Next Door (1985) - In this lovely film about friendship, repressed murderous and homosexual tendencies, Charlie stars as Bo Richards along with Maxwell Caulfield who plays Roy Alston. Bo and Roy are 2 redneck friends graduating from high school who decide to take a road trip to California. During their stay in California, Roy admits to wanting to kill. Becoming batshit insane, Roy beats the shit out of some gas station attendent and throws an empty beer bottle which ends up smacking some old hag on the head. They also whined up tricking a fag to take them back to his apartment for some buttsex but end up killing him with his own pistol. They later find a lovey dovey couple and follow them to their drive way and Roy Alston shoots them out of jealousy. Pissed of, they go to a bar and are invited back to some hippy whore's house where Bo gets laid. Watching his friend get pussy while fapping, Roy cock blocks Bo by knocking the whore off Bo's dick and out of a jealous obvious fag crush on his best friend, pwns the bitch for not staying at the kitchen. In the end Bo kills Roy for being a green eyed fag only to get busted by the pigs.
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) - Although he wasn't the main character, he had a minor, yet memorable role. Charlie was the drug dealer at the police station, chatting with Matthew Brodrick's on-screen sister and off-screen girlfriend at the time. He was so out there that he was willing to shove his thumb up his butt. This movie is not only a classic, but also an insight into Charlie Sheen's future, except that the level of awesomeness that is Charlie "Warlock" Sheen wasn't predicted here.
- Platoon (1986) - Charlie's the main character in this film. In it, he plays the role of Private Chris Taylor, who is fighting in the Vietnam War. In the movie, Charlie kills some Charlies, as well as spending his time doing drugs and jerking his soldier.
- Wall Street (1987) - Charlie plays some noob stock broker who is taken under the wing of Michael Douglas who is a expert at fraud and shit. The movie is about Charlie making money while Michael Douglas teaches Charlie trolling techniques of jewing people out of their money. Charlie gets caught and in the end, he's seen going to court, awaiting the judge's decision to send Charlie to prison to be anally raped by Bubba.
- Hot Shots! (1991) - A movie that takes Top Gun and uses it to anally rape reality, where Charlie Sheen acts as Topper Harley, a jet pilot who fights durka durkas in Iraq, bombs Saddam Hussein while he was at his seventeenth pool and then goes to Disneyland after WINNING, duh.
- Foodfight! (2012) - Biggest CGI trainwreck in history. Charlie plays the main character, Dex Dogtective, who is madly in love with an interspecies 15 year old Hillary Duff.
- Machete Kills (2013) - Sheen plays the president of the United States in this one, a sequel to Machete, which, incidentally was a spinoff of Grindhouse. #WINING!
Charlie Sheen Vs The Juggalos
—Charlie Sheen, being steampunk
In an attempt to further prove how lame Juggalos are, last Thursday in Detroit, during a "Gathering of the Juggalos" event, while opening up for Tech9, the Wildchild Warlock was booed and pelted with trash in an attempt by Juggalos to create what they where calling "Tila Tequila 2: Electric Boogaloo". Charlie Sheen, having just snorted an entire 8-ball of meth and coke, mixed with the essence of the universe, played it cool and walked away without a scratch. He even caught some of the trash thrown at him and responded with "Huh! How about that! How about that!" to much lulz, proving that he is, in fact, better than you at all times.
Charlie Sheen Ass Raped Corey Haim
Following all the news that came with outing Harvey Weinstein for being a rapist and a pervert, Heather Lind accusing Former President George Bush of Almost raping her because he told her a dirty joke and Kevin Spacey getting accused of being an all around perv that's into the really sick shit like using dirty diapers to masturbate with, The National Enqirer, known famously throughout the world for being a reliable news sorce, has reported that Tiger Blood himself, Charlie Sheen ass raped Corey Haim during the filming of Lucas when The Martian Wizard, Chuck, was 19 and Corey was 13.
Dominick Brascia, a former friend of Corey's that is still trying to capitalize on knowing and having been a friend with the least popular of the Coreys years after his death; copied nearly word for word Corey Feldman's account of the incident from his autobiography, Coreyography, claiming that Corey Haim told him about the incident when he had become depressed and was contemplating suicide.
"I know how all those girls felt that the news is saying Charlie raped because he did it to Corey. In the same way too, Charlie raped them by first making you feel special. That's what Corey said is Charlie's real power. Charlie can make anyone feel special." Dominick said repeating Corey Haim's account.
"It was when they were still filming Lucas Charlie came up to Corey and asked him if he wanted to smoke some dope. Corey was like, Wow! Charlie wants me to smoke dope with him. I mean, I worshipped him. He was older and so good looking back then. Corey said he couldn't resist the offer and so he said yes."
Corey told me how Charlie showed him how to inhale and how Charlie moved behind him so he could rub Corey's shoulders. Before he knew it, Corey said, Corey was flat on his face and Charlie was grunting in his ear telling him to take it easy and to relax."
"Corey said Charlie finished up pretty quickly inside him, saying that it probably lasted less then 45 seconds and then told Corey that it was okay because this is what all the older boys do. Corey admitted to me that he didn't want to tell Charlie then but he kind of liked it and was surprised and kind of heartbroken when he went looking for Charlie a few days later hoping to maybe do it again that Charlie started yelling at him, "Get the fuck away from me you Little fucking fag. Go do that loser shit with one of your loser friends."
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