Jacob Sartorius

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Jacob Sartorius = infected with GOTIS
You can help by not giving her any attention.

Mjapproves1.jpg This article is about a person who is under 18 years old.
You can help by knocking down their self esteem, telling them to stay in school and to get off of the Internets until then.
Jacob Sartorius in the flesh. He sports the same haircut all the fucking time.
"Hey, look at me everyone! I'm cool because I have abs!"
True dat.
Jacob Sartorius fans want to get in his pants, one way or another...

Jacob Sartorius is a 16 year old fuckboy who makes cringy music videos and vlogs on Youtube. The only people who actually enjoy listening to his "music" are underage girls. Like all tweens, Jacob is addicted to social media. In fact, he mentioned that social media gives him an "escape" from the real world, because of supposed bullying in real life. Rather than standing up for himself, like a strong-willed person would, he prefers to hide in his room, and use Twitter and Snapchat as his only means of communication. Because of his social media addiction and fear of leaving his home, he begged his parents into homeschooling him. Talk about having the social skills of an aspie...

Jacob is simply another Justin Bieber; a teenager who began making terrible "music" (if you even call it music, as the term "music" is too generous in this context), possesses tremendous amounts of USI, and a hot-shot attitude. One can only imagine Jacob when he's 20 years old. Unlike Justin Bieber, however, Jacob Sartorius has rich parents. Well, rich adoptive parents, to be precise. So, because of his parents' wealth and connections, getting known, for Jacob, wasn't too difficult. Nothing he did to become known, was done solely by him: it was all his parents' funding. Even though his music is trash, his mere presence still makes his 12 year old fans wet, and makes them want to keep listening it, as a result.

His modus operandi, broken down into five steps, is as follows:

  1. Come up with the most cringy, stupid possible idea for a music video
  2. Extort money from your parents to fund it
  3. Film the monstrosity
  4. Upload it to Youtube, and give it some clickbaitey title, with some gay thumbnail, preferably with a topless image of Jacob pointing at his shitty haircut (this will make his 12 year old "female" fans orgasm, and more likely to click on it)
  5. Bask in the Youtube revenue

Repeat steps 1-5.

The Story Begins[edit]

A faceless couple from Oklahoma was fucking around without condoms, and accidentally, in October 2002, Jakey was born. The couple, realizing their mistake, put him up for adoption. He was unwanted since the beginning. When he was adopted, he moved to some greasepit town in Virginia, where the bastard was raised. At age 7, he began "acting" in musicals, not because he wanted to, but because his parents made him.

In 2014, Mr. Sartorius discovered the world of autism where people post 6 second videos doing stupid things. Because using Vine makes you so kewl, right? Apparently, it was a Vine video about cyberbullying that went viral, and, in turn, made him famous. Later on, Sartorius began regularly uploading content to Vine, and became mildly popular on the app.

But then Jacob said "Hmmm. I'm already popular on Vine. Maybe I can become even more popular by uploading my cringy content to Musical.ly, while sporting my fuckboi haircut." And so he did. Later on, in 2014, he signed up for Musical.ly, and began making "lip sync" videos of overrated pop songs. When he's not making Musical.lys, he's making vlogs about his angsty teen life - the life of a 14 year old kid with rich parents, and few friends. Either that, or he's posting cringy shit on Snapchat. One of the two.


It seems as though all this didn't stick to plan for Mr. Sartorius, as his "fame" made him the target of bullying. According to Wikipedia, he "had to switch schools three times" due to said bullying. This isn't to blame the bullies. Any normal person who sees this fuckboy would tell him how much of a faggot he is.

Escape From Real Life[edit]

Like most people who are addicted to social media, it provides an escape from reality, especially when ones' real life sucks so much. Sartorius is quoted by the following:

Before Musical.ly, I wasn’t the most outgoing. The app helped me goof off. It’s like no one is watching besides the camera.


Jacob has no talent. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. But when your parents are rich, and have connections, anything's possible. And Jacob is no exception.

Crying On Stream[edit]

I'm just a KID, who sits in my room, and makes MUSICAL.LYS.


Looks like Jacob, here, is getting more than he bargained for. A video uploaded to Santorius' Youtube channel, dated November 21, 2016, shows Jacob reading hate mail from complete strangers online. While staring blankly at his screen, he breaks down and starts crying, proving that his self-esteem is so low, as to take goofy internet comments seriously. Seems like an internet career is too much for Jakey, as he'll collapse at the first instance of criticism.

The important part is from 0:13 to 0:56. Forget all the other crap.

Jacob Sartorius Fans[edit]

Jacob Sartorius fans in a nutshell.

The only people who look at his shit. Mostly underage girls, who probably have wet dreams about him. His fandom is comparable to the Justin Bieber fandom, as they're vividly similar in nature.

Fan Drama[edit]

Feminist Attacks Jacob[edit]

Jacob admitting he hates hugging fat, greasy, and smelly fans.
The obese fan in question, who attacked him on Twitter. Do not want.

A fat Canadian Jacob Sartorius fan accuses him that he looked at her rudely, because he showed some apprehension in hugging a greasy, fat woman. Anyone would do this. Because, quite frankly, nobody likes fat people. After this greasy, fat woman in question, "Kaitlyn", posted a tweet about Jacob discriminating against her, a whole array of Twitter feminists jumped right on into the bandwagon, defending the bitch, and calling Jacob "mysogynistic". Even though Jacob, himself, didn't insult Kaitlyn at all during their meeting, she proceeded to attack him on Twitter, and even demand an apology from him, for doing nothing.

What started it all:

No, fatty. He's not looking at you "rudely". He's silently saying that he doesn't want to be anywhere near your fat folds, as shown by his initial apprehension. And you're fat.

This incident proves that if you look at a feminist the wrong way, it's discrimination or "misogyny". This is common with all feminists, so this shouldn't come as a surprise.

In an anonymous text message, he admits to hating smelly, fat, and greasy fans.

The Shitstorm On Twitter[edit]

The aftermath of the incident, unfolding on Twitter, containing the aforementioned attacks on Jacob Sartorius. Be warned, though, these tweets might drop your IQ by 150 points, they're so retarded, which is why they're covered by default. Enter at your own risk.

Dare to see?Fuck this, too much autism.
Kaitlyn, spilling her autism on Twitter:


And then she actually asks for an apology:




Kaitlyn, thanking her "friends" for defending her butthurt stance, as if Jacob
actually did anything wrong...


Still butthurt over nothing. When will she get through her thick retarded skull,
that Jacob doesn't owe her anything?


As a typical feminist, Kaitlyn prefers to blame her obesity, and other problems on the world, expecting the world to cater to her, rather than admitting her faults. Jacob Sartorius, however, bore the brunt of this perpetual feminist idiocy, even though it is not his fault that she's as wide as a house.

Kaitlyn's White Knights[edit]

A few other Twitter feminists decided to jump on the bandwagon, and white knight for Kaitlyn:

...Because the use of ad hominem makes you so cool, right?

In the end, this entire incident was the result of someone making something out of nothing, going on the internet, and acting like a total fucking retard about it.

Musical.ly Faggotry[edit]

Jacob, acting "cool". Or at least he's trying to.


Is it bad that I never made love?


—Jacob Sartorius, questioning his virginity.

Although I grew up in Virginia like most of you know, I was actually born in Oklahoma. At the time my birth parents were unable to take care of me, so they made a plan for me to be adopted.


—Jacob Sartorius, admitting he was unwanted since the beginning.

Spamming/following peeps who like the new Instagram picture.


—Jacob Sartorius, desperate for attention.

Jacob On Snapchat[edit]

A typical Snapchat entry from Jacob Sartorius.

Jacob loves Snapchat. He loves it so much, that he uses it everyday. His "snaps" include shit no one cares about, like his new haircut, telling his fans that they're beautiful, telling his fans that he loves them, topless pictures, amongst other things that an average 16 year old would post, to look "cool" in front of his so called "friends". But the most likely reason why he uses Snapchat so much, is because he simply has nothing better to do. That, and he's addicted to it, as we've detailed above. Shown below is a gallery, depicting his "work".

Jacob Sartorius Gallery About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

There are thousands more, of course. But for our purposes in this article, we need only a few to prove the point: Jacob Sartorius is the epitome of cringe. Combine that with pent up teen angst, and media attention, you've got, yet another, complete nobody who's simply famous for having rich parents, and acting out in public.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

Warning: only for the curious, it is strongly advised not to go here.

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