Mitchell Heisman

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A fool does not see the same tree that a wise man sees


—William Blake

Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead


—William Blake

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry


—Ernest Hemmingway: A Farewell To Arms

It's all just Nada y pues nada


—Ernest Hemmingway

Gott ist tot



"And if you knew nothing could replace you, if you were sane, your heart wouldn't ache. But so what?" -- Robert Smith of The Cure, in "So What," succinctly saying what it took Mitchell Heisman four reams of paper to say.

ECCE HOMO! The hero himself.

Mitchell Heisman, aged 35, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound on September 18, 2010 at approximately 11 a.m., EDT on the steps of the Memorial Church of Harvard University. He had arranged for a 1,905 page rambling, obsessive, and mostly incoherent book/suicide note to be mailed to 400 people five hours after his death. He was a complete nobody, living on a small inheritance and working at bookstores around Boston while working on his Suicide Note, in which he showed his complete misunderstanding of history, religion, politics, and science while doing his best to convince himself that suicide is alternately or both rational and irrelevant. His only formal tertiary education was a psychology degree from SUNY Albany, and he was a resident of Somersville, Mass. and was originally from New Jersey.

"O Tempora! O Mores!" -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, First Century BCE Roman politician, expressing in three words that the world sucks and is going to hell in a handbasket.

His work does not even deserve refutation point by point, as all his basic assumptions are either wrong, unproven, or unprovable. For example, it has been proven that biology affects society, (cf. Burnham and Phelan, Mean Genes), but the opposite proposition simply can't be proven on the scale Heisman asserts, which is not surprising, since he doesn't address individual decisions except to say that they are meaningless. Also complicating things is the length of the "note" itself, which no one will seriously read, but its length is formidable enough to bury his suicidal motives in four reams of paper and make people wonder, when in fact, he committed suicide because he was a furious, depressed loner. In the "article," or rather collection of madness below, I have attempted to copy Heisman's style as an attempt at humor, which probably won't work for everyone. Read what you think is funny, and ignore the rest, since it is almost but not quite as incoherent as Heisman's magnum opus. Chances are, you've already found out what you need to know.

"No new tale to tell, 26 years on my way to HELL!" -- Trent Reznor, from "Wish," expressing true nihilism.

Suicide Note, in spite of being unreadable bollocks, full of non sequitur quotations, has unleashed a major drama bomb. Half educated nitwits everywhere are wringing their hands and calling him "sane" and "deep," obviously embarking on the giant guilt trip Heisman intended and believing that they have to read 1,905 pages of crap to understand why a suicidal loner killed himself, in front of a Harvard tour group, no less. Just check the comments after the internet stories. His mom was expecting him to help her move, and was understandably upset that he killed himself. The old bag had to move her shit herself, and she was none too pleased about it: “I expected him to come here to help me move, which I am in the process of. I expected him to come back in October. He really was non-committal.”

Mitchell Heisman Reduced to Memes: Capturing the Zeitgeist of a Self-Absorbed Asshole, Reductio ad absurdum.[edit]

"Why all this talk?" -- Spartan wondering at the sophistry of the Athenians in Thucydides' account of the Pelopponesian war, 5th century BCE. Translated from memory, for the benefit of those readers who can only read English, Latin, and French, but not Greek.

So Cashed:

Hey Deluded Fellators of the Mighty ePenis of Jesus,

My name is Mitchell Heisman, and I hate every single one of you, including myself. All of us are nothing more than fat, educated stupid, no-lifes who spend every second of their day thinking that life is good. You are everything bad in the world. I will be everything good in the world when I am dead. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten sneered at by a Harvard professor? I mean, I guess it's fun judging my magnum opus negatively and calling it shit because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures of The Martyrdom of St. Sebastian, fags.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I know my best shot will probably come from a sweet nickel plated revolver. I'm pretty much the perfect repudiator of the benefits of existence. I was captain of the local crazy manifesto team, and starter on my shelf-stocking team at the bookstore. What deep thinking do you engage in, other than "jack off to all the wrong things Richard Dawkins wrote"? I also have a degree from a state university, and have a banging hot hardon for Friedrich Nietzsche (I imagined he just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves like me. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: If you don't get it, don't ask.

Batshit Insanity: The Hilarious Juxtaposition of Guano and Mental Illness[edit]

"Mitchell Heisman was a deeply deluded apocalyptic Jew who committed suicide to bring about the End of the World." -- paraphrased from Albert Schweitzer. He was originally talking about Jesus.

"Si vous êtes Dieu, vengez-vous!" -- D.A.F. le Marquis de Sade, crying out for God's vengeance as he stuffed two communion wafers up a whore's ass and fucked her. He failed to understand that to mock God, one has to believe in God.

This isn't a pipe.

Heisman begins his suicide note by assuring that the future repression of his work will be the test that his hypothesis about freedom of speech is true. Of course, this is the hallmark of a self-absorbed, narcissistic asshole and the same shit the Time Cube guy pulled. Proving me wrong proves me right, therefore I am right. Quod erat demonstrandum, you bastards! But it doesn't work that way, Mitchy boy. No, that's the same logic schizophrenics use to go off their meds. Only crazy people take pills, I'm not crazy, so I'm going to quit taking these pills. It's a trip through backwards logic that understandably puts people off because of its patent absurdity. He just may have well provided a picture of a pipe with the caption, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe."

He has no idea what kind of accidents of time have made the great works of the classics last as long as they have, copied by hand, and ironically, is also oblivious to the fact that publishing something on the internet eliminates all those pesky suppressive editors. Truly, one of this guy's problems, among others, was a lack of appreciation for historical context, his or anyone else's. No one will bother to repress Suicide Note because nobody will bother to read it. It's like dirty graffiti on a bathroom wall, but much less entertaining. It will keep popping up for ages, and no one will read it in 100 years, even though it will be available and not repressed.

No Time For Heroes: Digging up Friedrich Nietzsche in Order to Metaphorically Sodomise Him, or My Best Pal Fred[edit]

"When the going gets weird, the Weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson, father of gonzo journalism and fellow suicide. Weren't Mitchell Heisman's actions the epitome of gonzo?

Noli me tangere! -- Jesus

"Nobody dies of fatal truths nowadays: there are too many antidotes." -- Not Mitchell Heisman. This is the antithesis of his work.

I'm in your mind, fucking up your shit, Heisman.

Heisman had a hardon for Nietzsche, no doubt. The German classical scholar and elitist pig PhD who hated Jews and pretty much everyone else and went mad from syphilis attracts not only the insane, but the truly weird. Dr. Nietzsche wouldn't have looked at Heisman twice, since Heisman couldn't speak German, nor read Latin and Greek. By 19th century German standards, Heisman was an uneducated fool. Nietzsche only came to his conclusions about the Death of God (Gott ist tot. Also sprach Zarathustra.) after extensive education in the Works of Dead White European Males. The guy didn't dick around with rats and mazes like a psychologist. He crushed egos and made students cry by asking them what kind of dative a certain Greek word was.

Unfortunately for Heisman, one only has the right to express the ideas Nietzsche did after getting a PhD just to prove one's staying power and resolve and openness to peer review. Sorry, folks, that's the way it is, and if you don't like it, console yourself with Suicide Note and call it deep and wise and curse the academics who wouldn't understand Mitchell Heisman because he couldn't write for shit and didn't understand history, i.e. that the American Revolution was enabled more by the Atlantic Ocean, a mere geographical feature, rather than all the works of Thomas Paine put together.

The Singularity: Deus Ex Machina[edit]

"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is Godliness, and God is empty, just like me." -- Billy Corgan, in "Zero" by the Smashing Pumpkins.

It's also tedious but important to note that Mitchell Heisman believed in an event called The Singularity, which is the idea that one day humankind will build our own artificially intelligent god, programmed with morals to live by. See Raping Little Suzy for why that's a fucking stupid idea. Computers may one day have the ability to think, but man will always have the ability of the angry German kid to bludgeon a computer to pieces in a fit of rage. A piece of rusty rebar is a hell of a weapon.

John Lennon's "Imagine": Never Underestimate the Semiotic Power of a Catchy Tune[edit]

"Yeah, it's a real drag, innit? Cheers." -- Sir Paul McCartney, upon hearing of the death of John Lennon.

"There is nothing new under the Sun." -- King Solomon of Israel and Judea

John Lennon was a great songwriter and prodigious consumer of hard drugs. He too read Nietzsche, whose name he pronounced "Nitchey." However, he managed to write a catchy song almost anyone recognizes but few understand in "Imagine," a hymnal anthem with the following lyrics:


"Imagine there's no Heaven. It's easy if you try. No Hell below us; above us only sky.

Imagine all the people living for today.

Imagine there's no countries. It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too.

Imagine all the people living life in peace.

You may say I'm a dreamer, But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.

Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can? No need for greed or hunger, or Brotherhood of Man.

Imagine all the people, sharing all the world.

(Chorus repeated.)


John Lennon read Nietzsche, even making a reference to him in the above song, but failed to become a nihilist psychopath bent on telling the world to fuck itself, and obviously didn't commit suicide. Even though comparing the length of a human life to eternity is equivalent to dividing by zero, life is not meaningless unless one insists upon it being so. Go out, do some drugs, get laid, and get over yourself, you emo bastards that call Heisman a wise man. Although this world may be all we have, there's no reason not to eat delicious cake. Feel free to shoot yourself if you become as big an asshole as Heisman, though. Pulling the trigger was the only thing he ever got right.

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